This Could be It

Time to take back me.  There is nothing I can do for him.  He is self consumed.  He suffers from something I don't understand.  If you truly love someone why would you ever desire them to have sex with a 3rd person in the room even after you have told them how you have no desire to do so and have suffered trauma in the past from sex that makes you firm on the subject.  This loop discussion ends now.   No more damage, no more sorry.  No More pain.  I am taking back me no matter what!  I love him dearly, I wish him the highest good.  I am scared to death.  I don't know what road I am taking.  There is no light.  I am moving forward no matter what.

Social Talking

The other day I was on the phone with my mother who talked about how my Aunt on my Fathers side of the family was not a good person and cheated on her husband often.  I have had conversations with my Father too about people he knows who have cheated.  He said "that is one thing I can proudly say I have never done." 

Karma is a topic that I have talked with people about since DDay and cheating comes up.  It makes me fell sad, weak and foolish when I talk to these people.  It also makes me fearful of the future.  I hate the subject immensely. 

I would like to be able to talk more openly with my husband about it, but he still seems closed off by it and hates to talk.  He will, but he is always annoyed.

Part of forgiving, letting go and healing is talking about it between us.  I would like to find my own definition of it and how karma and my belief system plays into it.  Not the firm socially accepted standard that everyone talks about.  That one is so harmful to self esteem.