Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Thank you for all you efforts in our life together.  We have gone through many things over the years.  So much so that, I have, through time, had recollection of moments we have had that have brought me such joy, I would never be able to express that to you.

I am fully aware that I am no longer the teenage girl you dated, the youthful girlfriend you proposed to, or the young woman you made your wife.  I am no longer the exhausted new mom, or the energetic business woman.

I have had many insecurities in my life, self doubt about how I look, if I am worthy of love, If I have loved without judgment well enough, mothered our child properly so that he will succeed in life, just to name a few.  I have tried hard, up to this point, to be an amazing daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, and mother.  In many ways I feel I have failed miserably.  Then I remember, I am doing the best I can at any given time. Sometimes, that just isn't going to be so great.

Life has changed me, People coming, people going, positive experience and devastating loss.  Clearly through all the hills and valleys, I no longer resemble the woman you fell in love with so many years ago.

There are some constants about me though.  My love for you, my love for our child, my willingness to battle and stand tall to any circumstance that may jolt my sense of well being in this world.  My sense that despite all that appears bad and evil, that there is a shred of good out there. Should anyone know about it, or find it, they should do their best to amplify it for others to see and experience. Sharing good is the only driver for making life worth living.

I am now, at this half point in my life, fully aware that I can only love you to the best I am capable at any time and I am willing to continue to try and do so.  I will never know if my love for you is fulfilling.  I have wondered many times, in our life together, if you simply settled for us due to your own challengers, changes and life insecurities.  I don't know what your internal truths are, but I can accept that what you tell me should have some honesty to it.  How can one live in a life of lies with people that are closest to them?  I would never want that for me, so I can see how others must not want that either.

In truth, I know these things, yet, I do not know fully who I am and what I fully believe.  I do know it is so much different from the girl you first met all those years ago. I am aware I am probably a far cry from your desires.

I just wanted to acknowledge your part in my journey and thank you.  I know in any life, the good, if amplified properly, will always outweigh the bad.  I love you and know you are full of good.  It is my hope that healing from our hardships together is helped by remembering the good so the bad always looses its power.

Thank you for being there for the many versions of me.

❤