Remember the Good Days

I have days I feel happy, grateful and content.  I need to remember these days.  As I work to heal my wounds, I need to remember those days.  I  have days that I am grateful for my husband.  Happy in the moment to just be with him.  I hope those days grow more numerous.  Those days are the best days.  The bright days.  The days where the air I breath is sweet.  The days where I walk the earth feeling not so alone.  The days that make me feel like there might be someone who holds me in their heart and will look out for me, care for me if needed.  A person who will be there when I age, and not just throw me somewhere convenient when I no longer serve a useful purpose.

I need to remember those days and hold tight to them.  For those are the days that I am living and not simply existing.  Those are the days that forgiveness shines its light.  Those are the days I love myself and see my reflection of worth in the eyes of another.  Those are the days I don't have to silently scream to myself that I am worthy of someones love.  Those are the days where the road feels firm beneath my feet.

What defines those days?  What makes them different from the dark days where the road is not visible, and the air is grey and heavy and foreboding.  Is it letting go of the past.  Another stitch has been sewn?  There is no clear burning bush or sign that says you have healed more and today you get to reap the reward.  It just is, they just happen and I am grateful for it.

I will keep working and doing what seems to be the next right thing to heal.  I am firmly aware that there will be more moments of pain and fear.  There will be moments that I will question if what I am doing is the right thing.  There will be moments when I question if he is happy or obligated to stay with me.  There will be moments I am extremely let down.  I can always be completely wrong about us.  If I am then I am.  I don't have to worry about that unless it happens.  Those times I need to stay in the now and remember the good days.

The Weeks Go By

I have several things that keep circling like a vulture in the sky around in my head.  These things pop up and circle, but never quite land and go away.

 -  Brian's Infidelity with Jackie - Was it strictly sex or was there an emotional connection.  Was he planning on leaving?  Now that a year has gone by, he still does not say much, I am still standing outside the window wondering if he is disappointed and longing for something else, or is he content and happy he stayed.  I wish I could feel his commitment in my bones like I used to.

-  My weight gain and my ageing - I need to find a way to loose weight and I need to find a way to better accept the aging process.  I wish my self esteem was better.  I wish I felt optimistic.

-  My Job - How did I end up with such a shit situation with such poor pay.  I used to have the energy and desire, the drive to grow and improve.  I have felt so jilted in my job that I no longer have that drive either.  Again, the pessimism lives within me here.

The vultures need to land, get their food and leave sometime don't they?  God, I wish they would go away.  The swirling is exhausting.

06/30/17