One of the things that bugs me the most is insecurity. I see people who feel insecure about their life and I feel bad for them. I know Its a horrible feeling for someone to have. It is so demoralizing and self defeating. I fight it off often and then it comes back like the Jabberwocky in need of slaying again.
The worst part of it is I don't trust my gut instinct at all. What if my insecurity and mistrust is true? What if I am again falling into the same pattern and turning a blind eye to the obvious. There are so many articles that say once a cheat always a cheat. I am bombarded by that always. Does this make me a fool? I want to believe better. I don't always feel this way. I did this weekend though. I hate that.
Insecurity is ruled by fear. Fear of the past coming to fruition again. Fear of those horrible crushing feelings. Broken heart, broken trust, broken spirit, broken joy, broken belief in love, lack of self worth. Feeling not beautiful enough and feeling like I am the love of his life, but simply not loved enough. What if there is a better love out there for him. Hearing that I mean the world to him, but I as that one person I am simply not enough. Feeling like I am in the wrong. Keeping him from his destiny of fulfillment through other relationships. Relationships with women that may actually carry more brilliance than me. Perhaps I am just a rough cut diamond and he has not found the perfect one.
Sad but true, I felt like a fool. I believed in him, I believed in romance and chivalry and honesty and respect. I thought he was my protector, my knight in shining armor. I know differently today. I have no knight, I have no protector, I am alone. I have a friend, a companion, someone who I share my life with. Someone whom I love, but clearly in an unequal, unrequited manner.
Do I think he doesn't love me. Absolutely not. I believe he loves me. Its just a different love. It's the best he has for me. I believe it to be a worthy love. That Jabberwocky will not let me bathe in the sunlight of that love though. Not for any length of time. Not anymore. He continuously comes back and shadows it. So again, I have to learn how to use my own strength and fight the beast alone. Hopefully those insecurities and the beast will die some day. I am stronger. Just not strong enough yet.
No comments:
Post a Comment