Insecure Still!!

One of the things that bugs me the most is insecurity.  I see people who feel insecure about their life and I feel bad for them.  I know Its a horrible feeling for someone to have.  It is so demoralizing and self defeating.  I fight it off often and then it comes back like the Jabberwocky in need of slaying again.

The worst part of it is I don't trust my gut instinct at all.  What if my insecurity and mistrust is true?  What if I am again falling into the same pattern and turning a blind eye to the obvious.  There are so many articles that say once a cheat always a cheat.  I am bombarded by that always.  Does this make me a fool?  I want to believe better.  I don't always feel this way.  I did this weekend though.  I hate that.

Insecurity is ruled by fear.  Fear of the past coming to fruition again.  Fear of those horrible crushing feelings.   Broken heart, broken trust, broken spirit, broken joy, broken belief in love, lack of self worth. Feeling not beautiful enough and feeling like I am the love of his life, but simply not loved enough.  What if there is a better love out there for him.  Hearing that I mean the world to him, but I as that one person I am simply not enough.  Feeling like I am in the wrong.  Keeping him from his destiny of fulfillment through other relationships.  Relationships with women that may actually carry more brilliance than me.  Perhaps I am just a rough cut diamond and he has not found the perfect one.

Sad but true, I felt like a fool.  I believed in him, I believed in romance and chivalry and honesty and respect.  I thought he was my protector, my knight in shining armor.  I know differently today.  I have no knight, I have no protector, I am alone.  I have a friend, a companion, someone who I share my life with.  Someone whom I love, but clearly in an unequal, unrequited manner.

Do I think he doesn't love me.  Absolutely not.  I believe he loves me.  Its just a different love. It's the best he has for me.  I believe it to be a worthy love.  That Jabberwocky will not let me bathe in the sunlight of that love though.  Not for any length of time.  Not anymore.  He continuously comes back and shadows it.  So again, I have to learn how to use my own strength and fight the beast alone. Hopefully those insecurities and the beast will die some day. I am stronger.  Just not strong enough yet.

Come and Go

Well here it is the year mark came and gone.  It overall was not bad.  We fought, but it was resolved rather quickly.  Mothers Day came and went too.  I feel good.  I am okay.  My marriage feels good too.  Work and responsibilities cluttered the last two weeks which probably helped get through any emotional turmoil, but internally I didn't feel a whole lot of depression or sadness.  Time is healing.  

I told him about this blog.  I don't know if I will ever share it with him.  I don't want him to feel bad. It started as a way to watch the progress, the improvement.  I am not sure how to describe it, but progress has definitely occurred.  I feel better mentally and emotionally.  I still have bad moments, but they are farther and farther apart separated by content, happy, good.  I look back and am thankful that I am healing. I remember the feelings those first few months.  I thought of leaving my life, suicide, and basically giving up.  I am so glad I had the will not to do that.  Thankful that I found the energy to pick up and move in a forward direction without deciding the outcome.  My life and my relationship with my husband is far from perfect or even fantastic, but it is good, and full of effort, concern and care.

He seems to be healing too.  It appears that the guilt he carries may be subsiding.  I hope so.  In the end we are human.  We make horrible choices and huge mistakes sometimes.  If we can't forgive ourselves and love ourselves we can not forgive and love others. 

One Year

How should I feel, what should he be doing.  This is new and I don't know how to approach it at this point.  A year has come and gone.  We fought the weekend before and the day before.  I caught him keeping secrets again.  Yesterday was a year and we both had to work.  He cuddled me at night.  I said its officially been a year.  His response was yes it has.  It would have been nice if he said I am glad we made it.  He didn't.  He hardly ever uses words. He seems to be focused on other things right now, predominately bodybuilding.  I thought maybe I should speak up.  I always speak up.  It annoys him, I know.  He did ask if I was okay.  I said yes.  I lied.  I don't know what this should look like.  Does it require more attention or is it better to let sleeping dogs lie.  for now I stay on hold. Silent, swallowing my screaming internal voice.  I don't know if she is right or wrong.  Its scary and frustrating.  Sometimes life just sucks more than I want it to.