The Month it Started

So March is here and a year ago this is the month it started.  All the total lies and deception.  All the cheating.  He left.  He simply left.  Its hard this month.  I had to start this month on a trip to Alabama for 3 days.  He was "on call" for work.  He told me he was called out till 1:00 am and all I could think was did he really get called out for work or was it for booty.  I forgive him.  I clearly don't trust him, yet.

I want to trust him.  I just don't know how.  My pain was so great when he cheated that my brain simply will not allow the wall to fully drop.  It's frustrating.  I want to feel like I have a full marriage, but I still don't.  I don't think I will, unless we find a way to formally recommit.  For me my old marriage is still gone.

Sometimes I look at him and get angry inside.  I see how comfortable he looks and compare it to how uncomfortable I am on my inside some days.  It pisses me off.  The comfort and contentment that was stolen from me.

He has done nothing to indicate that he is cheating or doing anything "wrong" in our relationship up to this point, but I often wonder, he left once, when will he leave again.  When will he look at me with disdain again and find me simply not good enough, boring or unfulfilling. What will I do that will repulse him unknowingly.  It has happened before.  He told me he was repulsed.   I know I am who I am, I can't be anything else.  Maybe I am simply just not enough.

My back is not good, it affects me physically and eventually might interfere with his sexual desires.  I worry about that.  I assume that is when I will wear out.  That is when I become less than.  That is when he will look for more as I will not be enough.

I have to accept this fact.  I have to come to terms with it.  I will have to be okay with me and the possible loss.  It's possible, not inevitable.