So here I sit still with days/moments of heaviness. Not in the moment projecting the future. Will this work? I don't know. The next few months scare the shit out of me. Triggers are everywhere. It's not fair to him. If I can't maintain and improve mentally and emotionally, something will have to give. My trust factor is so not there. My gut instinct tells me something is off. I am so gullible though, I don't know anymore. I lack clarity.
Sex is important, yes. Toys are fun, yes, but will this lead to bigger and bigger sexual issues and lack of fulfillment and satisfaction? Also, our intimate bond. The loving feeling of being caressed and enveloped seems to be missing lately.
How do I find his love, truth, honesty and fidelity and keep the knowledge of it within me? Maybe we never were compatible and I just didn't see it or know it. Maybe he does need more. Maybe what has happened is to hard to overcome. It feels like it some days and then others feel perfect as we are soulmates and meant exclusively for each other. Space is needed I think.
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