EXPECTATIONS

My birthday is in less than a week away.  I have expectations that my husbands gestures this year should be grand due to last years indiscretions.  I have huge doubts that he will.  I think my brain is setting me up that way so that if there is failure, I am not let down.  A protection of sorts, but also a sabotage.  I hate, hate, hate that he had an affair.  Living with all this emotional garbage is trying in my brain.

Heavy

So here I sit still with days/moments of heaviness.  Not in the moment projecting the future.  Will this work?  I don't know.  The next few months scare the shit out of me.  Triggers are everywhere.  It's not fair to him.  If I can't maintain and improve mentally and emotionally, something will have to give.  My trust factor is so not there.  My gut instinct tells me something is off.  I am so gullible though, I don't know anymore.  I lack clarity.

Sex is important, yes.  Toys are fun, yes, but will this lead to bigger and bigger sexual issues and lack of fulfillment and satisfaction?  Also, our intimate bond.   The loving feeling of being caressed and enveloped seems to be missing lately.

How do I find his love, truth, honesty and fidelity and keep the knowledge of it within me?  Maybe we never were compatible and I just didn't see it or know it.  Maybe he does need more.  Maybe what has happened is to hard to overcome.  It feels like it some days and then others feel perfect as we are soulmates and meant exclusively for each other.  Space is needed I think.

Food for Thought Someday

Maybe someday we can share these thoughts honestly and openly. 

1. The things I would like to be appreciated for...

2. Where I'm unfulfilled in my life...

3. When I'm upset, I need you to comfort me like this...

4. When I'm in a panic, I...

5. I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me in childhood...

6. What I find annoying about you is...

7. I guess I'm difficult to live with because...

8.__What I would like to be forgiven for...

9. Where I'd love you to realise you hurt me is...

10. A slightly weird thing about me around sex is...

11. As an alternative to actual intercourse, I'd be excited if we could...

12. My fantasies are....

13. One of the hardest things for anyone to understand about me is...

14. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I...

15. There are a few small things about you that drive me crazy...

16. What I probably need to be kindly teased for is...

17. What would help me to change is if you..._

18. I could change X, if you changed Y..._

19. What I'm grateful to you for is...

20.__What I'd miss so much about you is...

21. What I'd love you to remember about me is...

22. If this was our very first date, I'd ...

The Month it Started

So March is here and a year ago this is the month it started.  All the total lies and deception.  All the cheating.  He left.  He simply left.  Its hard this month.  I had to start this month on a trip to Alabama for 3 days.  He was "on call" for work.  He told me he was called out till 1:00 am and all I could think was did he really get called out for work or was it for booty.  I forgive him.  I clearly don't trust him, yet.

I want to trust him.  I just don't know how.  My pain was so great when he cheated that my brain simply will not allow the wall to fully drop.  It's frustrating.  I want to feel like I have a full marriage, but I still don't.  I don't think I will, unless we find a way to formally recommit.  For me my old marriage is still gone.

Sometimes I look at him and get angry inside.  I see how comfortable he looks and compare it to how uncomfortable I am on my inside some days.  It pisses me off.  The comfort and contentment that was stolen from me.

He has done nothing to indicate that he is cheating or doing anything "wrong" in our relationship up to this point, but I often wonder, he left once, when will he leave again.  When will he look at me with disdain again and find me simply not good enough, boring or unfulfilling. What will I do that will repulse him unknowingly.  It has happened before.  He told me he was repulsed.   I know I am who I am, I can't be anything else.  Maybe I am simply just not enough.

My back is not good, it affects me physically and eventually might interfere with his sexual desires.  I worry about that.  I assume that is when I will wear out.  That is when I become less than.  That is when he will look for more as I will not be enough.

I have to accept this fact.  I have to come to terms with it.  I will have to be okay with me and the possible loss.  It's possible, not inevitable.