This Could be It

Time to take back me.  There is nothing I can do for him.  He is self consumed.  He suffers from something I don't understand.  If you truly love someone why would you ever desire them to have sex with a 3rd person in the room even after you have told them how you have no desire to do so and have suffered trauma in the past from sex that makes you firm on the subject.  This loop discussion ends now.   No more damage, no more sorry.  No More pain.  I am taking back me no matter what!  I love him dearly, I wish him the highest good.  I am scared to death.  I don't know what road I am taking.  There is no light.  I am moving forward no matter what.

Social Talking

The other day I was on the phone with my mother who talked about how my Aunt on my Fathers side of the family was not a good person and cheated on her husband often.  I have had conversations with my Father too about people he knows who have cheated.  He said "that is one thing I can proudly say I have never done." 

Karma is a topic that I have talked with people about since DDay and cheating comes up.  It makes me fell sad, weak and foolish when I talk to these people.  It also makes me fearful of the future.  I hate the subject immensely. 

I would like to be able to talk more openly with my husband about it, but he still seems closed off by it and hates to talk.  He will, but he is always annoyed.

Part of forgiving, letting go and healing is talking about it between us.  I would like to find my own definition of it and how karma and my belief system plays into it.  Not the firm socially accepted standard that everyone talks about.  That one is so harmful to self esteem.

Out of Nowhere

It happened today - Out of nowhere.  My mom fell and ended up in hospital.  Maybe that is what triggered it.  I was convinced my husband was lying and cheating today.  His words on his phone did not match up.  Was it that or am I crazy now?  Its been good for quite some time.  If I find out he is lying and I have been buying his lies again, life feels like death.  I hope the truth he is giving is real.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Thank you for all you efforts in our life together.  We have gone through many things over the years.  So much so that, I have, through time, had recollection of moments we have had that have brought me such joy, I would never be able to express that to you.

I am fully aware that I am no longer the teenage girl you dated, the youthful girlfriend you proposed to, or the young woman you made your wife.  I am no longer the exhausted new mom, or the energetic business woman.

I have had many insecurities in my life, self doubt about how I look, if I am worthy of love, If I have loved without judgment well enough, mothered our child properly so that he will succeed in life, just to name a few.  I have tried hard, up to this point, to be an amazing daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, and mother.  In many ways I feel I have failed miserably.  Then I remember, I am doing the best I can at any given time. Sometimes, that just isn't going to be so great.

Life has changed me, People coming, people going, positive experience and devastating loss.  Clearly through all the hills and valleys, I no longer resemble the woman you fell in love with so many years ago.

There are some constants about me though.  My love for you, my love for our child, my willingness to battle and stand tall to any circumstance that may jolt my sense of well being in this world.  My sense that despite all that appears bad and evil, that there is a shred of good out there. Should anyone know about it, or find it, they should do their best to amplify it for others to see and experience. Sharing good is the only driver for making life worth living.

I am now, at this half point in my life, fully aware that I can only love you to the best I am capable at any time and I am willing to continue to try and do so.  I will never know if my love for you is fulfilling.  I have wondered many times, in our life together, if you simply settled for us due to your own challengers, changes and life insecurities.  I don't know what your internal truths are, but I can accept that what you tell me should have some honesty to it.  How can one live in a life of lies with people that are closest to them?  I would never want that for me, so I can see how others must not want that either.

In truth, I know these things, yet, I do not know fully who I am and what I fully believe.  I do know it is so much different from the girl you first met all those years ago. I am aware I am probably a far cry from your desires.

I just wanted to acknowledge your part in my journey and thank you.  I know in any life, the good, if amplified properly, will always outweigh the bad.  I love you and know you are full of good.  It is my hope that healing from our hardships together is helped by remembering the good so the bad always looses its power.

Thank you for being there for the many versions of me.

❤

Remember the Good Days

I have days I feel happy, grateful and content.  I need to remember these days.  As I work to heal my wounds, I need to remember those days.  I  have days that I am grateful for my husband.  Happy in the moment to just be with him.  I hope those days grow more numerous.  Those days are the best days.  The bright days.  The days where the air I breath is sweet.  The days where I walk the earth feeling not so alone.  The days that make me feel like there might be someone who holds me in their heart and will look out for me, care for me if needed.  A person who will be there when I age, and not just throw me somewhere convenient when I no longer serve a useful purpose.

I need to remember those days and hold tight to them.  For those are the days that I am living and not simply existing.  Those are the days that forgiveness shines its light.  Those are the days I love myself and see my reflection of worth in the eyes of another.  Those are the days I don't have to silently scream to myself that I am worthy of someones love.  Those are the days where the road feels firm beneath my feet.

What defines those days?  What makes them different from the dark days where the road is not visible, and the air is grey and heavy and foreboding.  Is it letting go of the past.  Another stitch has been sewn?  There is no clear burning bush or sign that says you have healed more and today you get to reap the reward.  It just is, they just happen and I am grateful for it.

I will keep working and doing what seems to be the next right thing to heal.  I am firmly aware that there will be more moments of pain and fear.  There will be moments that I will question if what I am doing is the right thing.  There will be moments when I question if he is happy or obligated to stay with me.  There will be moments I am extremely let down.  I can always be completely wrong about us.  If I am then I am.  I don't have to worry about that unless it happens.  Those times I need to stay in the now and remember the good days.

The Weeks Go By

I have several things that keep circling like a vulture in the sky around in my head.  These things pop up and circle, but never quite land and go away.

 -  Brian's Infidelity with Jackie - Was it strictly sex or was there an emotional connection.  Was he planning on leaving?  Now that a year has gone by, he still does not say much, I am still standing outside the window wondering if he is disappointed and longing for something else, or is he content and happy he stayed.  I wish I could feel his commitment in my bones like I used to.

-  My weight gain and my ageing - I need to find a way to loose weight and I need to find a way to better accept the aging process.  I wish my self esteem was better.  I wish I felt optimistic.

-  My Job - How did I end up with such a shit situation with such poor pay.  I used to have the energy and desire, the drive to grow and improve.  I have felt so jilted in my job that I no longer have that drive either.  Again, the pessimism lives within me here.

The vultures need to land, get their food and leave sometime don't they?  God, I wish they would go away.  The swirling is exhausting.

06/30/17

Days Like This

Days like this are more and more frequent.  Standard days that are filled with the mundane routine of life.  Level days with no highs and no lows.  While I appreciate these days, I am cautious about them. They are the dull drums of life that cause the need for excitement and curiosity.

I have those desires for adventure in my head when I have to many standard days.  I fear that I am not living my life, but simply existing to do the chores of existence.  I then think, he must feel the same way.  Much like a caged animal, the same thing over and over again.

Yet, I don't get bored of him.  I love him, I hate him, I adore him, I despise him.  He makes me joyful, he pisses me of,  He is so much fun, he is annoying as hell.  This is why I don't get bored of him.  He evokes a full range of feelings for me, just by being him.  I accept that range of feelings.  I appreciate that I have them.  The good and the bad.

Days like this, I need to appreciate them more too.  Maybe someday I won't fear them.  I can just let them be.  Calm, boring, standard, level,  because I know some highs are to high and some lows you simply can may not climb out of.  I barely climbed out of the last one.  I don't think I have it in me to do it again.

Trust in now.  I have to learn how to do that when nothing is going on, much like days like this.

Insecure Still!!

One of the things that bugs me the most is insecurity.  I see people who feel insecure about their life and I feel bad for them.  I know Its a horrible feeling for someone to have.  It is so demoralizing and self defeating.  I fight it off often and then it comes back like the Jabberwocky in need of slaying again.

The worst part of it is I don't trust my gut instinct at all.  What if my insecurity and mistrust is true?  What if I am again falling into the same pattern and turning a blind eye to the obvious.  There are so many articles that say once a cheat always a cheat.  I am bombarded by that always.  Does this make me a fool?  I want to believe better.  I don't always feel this way.  I did this weekend though.  I hate that.

Insecurity is ruled by fear.  Fear of the past coming to fruition again.  Fear of those horrible crushing feelings.   Broken heart, broken trust, broken spirit, broken joy, broken belief in love, lack of self worth. Feeling not beautiful enough and feeling like I am the love of his life, but simply not loved enough.  What if there is a better love out there for him.  Hearing that I mean the world to him, but I as that one person I am simply not enough.  Feeling like I am in the wrong.  Keeping him from his destiny of fulfillment through other relationships.  Relationships with women that may actually carry more brilliance than me.  Perhaps I am just a rough cut diamond and he has not found the perfect one.

Sad but true, I felt like a fool.  I believed in him, I believed in romance and chivalry and honesty and respect.  I thought he was my protector, my knight in shining armor.  I know differently today.  I have no knight, I have no protector, I am alone.  I have a friend, a companion, someone who I share my life with.  Someone whom I love, but clearly in an unequal, unrequited manner.

Do I think he doesn't love me.  Absolutely not.  I believe he loves me.  Its just a different love. It's the best he has for me.  I believe it to be a worthy love.  That Jabberwocky will not let me bathe in the sunlight of that love though.  Not for any length of time.  Not anymore.  He continuously comes back and shadows it.  So again, I have to learn how to use my own strength and fight the beast alone. Hopefully those insecurities and the beast will die some day. I am stronger.  Just not strong enough yet.

Come and Go

Well here it is the year mark came and gone.  It overall was not bad.  We fought, but it was resolved rather quickly.  Mothers Day came and went too.  I feel good.  I am okay.  My marriage feels good too.  Work and responsibilities cluttered the last two weeks which probably helped get through any emotional turmoil, but internally I didn't feel a whole lot of depression or sadness.  Time is healing.  

I told him about this blog.  I don't know if I will ever share it with him.  I don't want him to feel bad. It started as a way to watch the progress, the improvement.  I am not sure how to describe it, but progress has definitely occurred.  I feel better mentally and emotionally.  I still have bad moments, but they are farther and farther apart separated by content, happy, good.  I look back and am thankful that I am healing. I remember the feelings those first few months.  I thought of leaving my life, suicide, and basically giving up.  I am so glad I had the will not to do that.  Thankful that I found the energy to pick up and move in a forward direction without deciding the outcome.  My life and my relationship with my husband is far from perfect or even fantastic, but it is good, and full of effort, concern and care.

He seems to be healing too.  It appears that the guilt he carries may be subsiding.  I hope so.  In the end we are human.  We make horrible choices and huge mistakes sometimes.  If we can't forgive ourselves and love ourselves we can not forgive and love others. 

One Year

How should I feel, what should he be doing.  This is new and I don't know how to approach it at this point.  A year has come and gone.  We fought the weekend before and the day before.  I caught him keeping secrets again.  Yesterday was a year and we both had to work.  He cuddled me at night.  I said its officially been a year.  His response was yes it has.  It would have been nice if he said I am glad we made it.  He didn't.  He hardly ever uses words. He seems to be focused on other things right now, predominately bodybuilding.  I thought maybe I should speak up.  I always speak up.  It annoys him, I know.  He did ask if I was okay.  I said yes.  I lied.  I don't know what this should look like.  Does it require more attention or is it better to let sleeping dogs lie.  for now I stay on hold. Silent, swallowing my screaming internal voice.  I don't know if she is right or wrong.  Its scary and frustrating.  Sometimes life just sucks more than I want it to.

EXPECTATIONS

My birthday is in less than a week away.  I have expectations that my husbands gestures this year should be grand due to last years indiscretions.  I have huge doubts that he will.  I think my brain is setting me up that way so that if there is failure, I am not let down.  A protection of sorts, but also a sabotage.  I hate, hate, hate that he had an affair.  Living with all this emotional garbage is trying in my brain.

Heavy

So here I sit still with days/moments of heaviness.  Not in the moment projecting the future.  Will this work?  I don't know.  The next few months scare the shit out of me.  Triggers are everywhere.  It's not fair to him.  If I can't maintain and improve mentally and emotionally, something will have to give.  My trust factor is so not there.  My gut instinct tells me something is off.  I am so gullible though, I don't know anymore.  I lack clarity.

Sex is important, yes.  Toys are fun, yes, but will this lead to bigger and bigger sexual issues and lack of fulfillment and satisfaction?  Also, our intimate bond.   The loving feeling of being caressed and enveloped seems to be missing lately.

How do I find his love, truth, honesty and fidelity and keep the knowledge of it within me?  Maybe we never were compatible and I just didn't see it or know it.  Maybe he does need more.  Maybe what has happened is to hard to overcome.  It feels like it some days and then others feel perfect as we are soulmates and meant exclusively for each other.  Space is needed I think.

Food for Thought Someday

Maybe someday we can share these thoughts honestly and openly. 

1. The things I would like to be appreciated for...

2. Where I'm unfulfilled in my life...

3. When I'm upset, I need you to comfort me like this...

4. When I'm in a panic, I...

5. I'd probably be more normal if the following hadn't happened to me in childhood...

6. What I find annoying about you is...

7. I guess I'm difficult to live with because...

8.__What I would like to be forgiven for...

9. Where I'd love you to realise you hurt me is...

10. A slightly weird thing about me around sex is...

11. As an alternative to actual intercourse, I'd be excited if we could...

12. My fantasies are....

13. One of the hardest things for anyone to understand about me is...

14. I'm embarrassed to admit this, but I...

15. There are a few small things about you that drive me crazy...

16. What I probably need to be kindly teased for is...

17. What would help me to change is if you..._

18. I could change X, if you changed Y..._

19. What I'm grateful to you for is...

20.__What I'd miss so much about you is...

21. What I'd love you to remember about me is...

22. If this was our very first date, I'd ...

The Month it Started

So March is here and a year ago this is the month it started.  All the total lies and deception.  All the cheating.  He left.  He simply left.  Its hard this month.  I had to start this month on a trip to Alabama for 3 days.  He was "on call" for work.  He told me he was called out till 1:00 am and all I could think was did he really get called out for work or was it for booty.  I forgive him.  I clearly don't trust him, yet.

I want to trust him.  I just don't know how.  My pain was so great when he cheated that my brain simply will not allow the wall to fully drop.  It's frustrating.  I want to feel like I have a full marriage, but I still don't.  I don't think I will, unless we find a way to formally recommit.  For me my old marriage is still gone.

Sometimes I look at him and get angry inside.  I see how comfortable he looks and compare it to how uncomfortable I am on my inside some days.  It pisses me off.  The comfort and contentment that was stolen from me.

He has done nothing to indicate that he is cheating or doing anything "wrong" in our relationship up to this point, but I often wonder, he left once, when will he leave again.  When will he look at me with disdain again and find me simply not good enough, boring or unfulfilling. What will I do that will repulse him unknowingly.  It has happened before.  He told me he was repulsed.   I know I am who I am, I can't be anything else.  Maybe I am simply just not enough.

My back is not good, it affects me physically and eventually might interfere with his sexual desires.  I worry about that.  I assume that is when I will wear out.  That is when I become less than.  That is when he will look for more as I will not be enough.

I have to accept this fact.  I have to come to terms with it.  I will have to be okay with me and the possible loss.  It's possible, not inevitable.

V-Day

Oh the romance pressure of Valentines day.  Well, I don't have any.  Probably because I no longer believe in the romantic.  I am pragmatic now.  I left the childhood dream of romance behind.

Washing it Away

This past weekend my husband decided enough was enough and purchased a new washing machine for our house.  He did quit a bit of research online before he made his decision.  he applied for credit at Lowes and called and picked up the new washer.  He made the decision to get the dryer as well even though ours still worked.  

For a brief moment I was concerned about the spending, but then I decided that we did need both and it would be better to get them at the same time.  He removed the old ones and installed the new ones with my help.

As I stood there watching him it occurred to me that this was a commitment on his part to our future.  He caught me smiling at him.  He asked me why I smiled so big.  I told him that this was a step forward for us.  I don't know if he saw it as big of a deal as I did, but never the less.

Later we hung out in the laundry room and watched the new machine in awe of its technology.  It was a delightfully funny and warm moment we shared.  The whole scenario was fantastically comforting. Maybe there is some hope for normal, maybe there is hope for lasting love and respect.

Maybe the pain is starting to wash away like the dirty laundry with a new and improved process.......

New Year Beginnings

 Today is January 5, 2017.  I feel good, mentally and emotionally.  I made it through the change of the new year okay.  My husband even made a funny on New Years Eve about our sex life and for the first time I did not feel threatened.

He said he needed to change and wondered what he should wear for New Years Eve,  I said, "go like baby new year and wear you birthday suit."  His response, "I keep telling you I want to go to parties like that, but you are not interested."

He said it in such a way that I did not feel pressured, guarded, threatened, scared or worried.  This is a good sign, I am taking it.

I might be wrong.  Maybe he still is waiting for me to change, Maybe he is letting me know that even thought he is joking, he is still on that path.  I am going to need clarity on this with him.  It is a healing step.  I need a clear yes, that he plans to move forward with his sexual desires, or a no, he is willing to be monogamous with me even if it means forever.

I fear this bridge will break under us.  I hope not.  I love him dearly, but can not deny or sell myself out for his sexual desires.  I also understand that I can not expect him to do the same.

For now.  Today is okay.  It is better,  I can tell I am healing.