Christmas is almost here and I am consumed with anxiety and randomly attacked with sadness. I spend about 80 to 90% of my Christmas activities faking it. I don't know what else to do. No one wants to be around a depressed person during the holiday season and I certainly don't want to spoil the holidays for my son or loved ones. So I fake it. I stuff it, I don't talk about it. I am journaling it instead.
The battle is hard as the emotions rise from the pit of my gut and I frantically battle them at my throat only to choke to eye swell tear and then stuff again. The closer Christmas gets the more this is happening. It is my first Christmas since D-Day and I am just letting it unfold as best I can and trying to get through with a stage smile.
Last night as I was going to bed I had a horrible thought. My husband has been off work due to shoulder surgery and we have not had sex for about a week and a half. I somehow convince myself that having sex is the solution to fixing our marriage and keeping him from cheating. What a joke. I know this not to be true, but act on it anyway. So, last night I am laying in bed and it occurs to me that after his doctors appointment that day, I didn't hear from him until 3:00 in the afternoon. He texted saying he was taking my son shopping for Christmas. I asked, "What did you do between your doctors appointment and taking him shopping". He said he went shopping by himself for me. My thought as I lay in bed last night, almost asleep, in twilight, out of nowhere was,....., "He probably didn't shop for you, he had sex with her, that's why he does not want to have sex right now and hasn't for a week, and he must be lying, don't be a fool Amy, don't trust, don't allow yourself to be devastated again, he hasn't had sex with you, he admits to handling it himself this past week, he probably had help. He probably misses her, it's the holidays it causes people to stir and get emotional and miss people. He probably misses her and she misses him. She is a nurse, she can help him with his shoulder, that was his way back in with her. Don't be a fool, stay alert. You are not good enough to keep him, there is nothing you can do to stop him from continuing to lie and have affairs."
How evil, how torturous the brain is. How hard it works to keep me in a state of unloved, unliked, unattractive, unworthy. The truth is that he probably did no such thing. I will never know, but I have no proof to the contrary. I could ask a ton of questions, but why. Only to speculate and analyze and work from fear? No. I won't allow it. I will fake it till I make it. I will acknowledge silently and by myself the agony that occurs. One day I will emerge or end. Until then I keep trudging.
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