The New Year and the Elephant Remains

Dear Husband –

In less than 48 hours the New Year will be here.  I have not as long as I can remember ever been superstitious with respect to the New Year.  I have never made resolutions.  However, the turn of this year marks hope for me.  I have never been more desperately hopeful for a better life, a better relationship and a new outlook of commitment. 

I have spoken to you about this before, but I am writing it as well.  It is my sincere hope that the sexual desires that differ between us can find a middle ground in which we both feel fulfilled and happy.  It appears to me that this is the biggest hurdle we have.

I know you find other women attractive.  I don’t need to be reminded of it.  I know you desire to have sex with other women.  I am mostly insecure over that fact.  The question remains is as you look deep into your desires are you willing to stay considering the boundaries I have.

When you first talked to me about your affair you told me in a quite intense manner that you were unwilling to not explore your sexual desires anymore.  Those words are burned into my brain.  I remember those words.  What I am unsure of is, were those words in anger and defense of the situation at the time, or are those words true and you are waiting for me to become comfortable with all your desires.

What I am saying is this.  I know I absolutely cannot have sex in a group setting, ever.  Also, while I fantasize about some sexual things, I know in reality I am not willing to do them.  I have come to feel confident in this when searching my own heart and my belief system.  I must stay true to myself in this.

I love you dearly; I don’t want to live my life without you.  I can’t imagine it.  I want to grow old with you.  However, I cannot live wondering about this.  It will only keep the wedge between us.  It is for me the pink elephant in the room.

I hope this year mends us regardless of the outcome.  I know I prefer to live the remainder of my life with you, but most of all I want us to live whole and complete. I know there will be more dates to hurdle and more healing to be done this year, but every step is closer to becoming fully healed.

I must remember these lies:

1. The lie: "I'm a fool"
I hear this one a lot. "I'm such a fool for believing he loved me." "I'm a total fool for thinking he'd never cheat." "He made a fool of me."
The truth: You're a loyal wife and friend who trusted someone who betrayed that trust.

2. The lie: "I'll never get past this."
The truth: Yes, you will. It will take time. Far longer than you would expect (experts generally say three to five years…I was closer to five). But within that time, you'll inch your way closer to a better marriage (if you choose to stay) or a better life (if you choose to go). You'll work through the pain and get to a place where you recognize that this wasn't about you. You were collateral damage. You'll get past it to a place where being betrayed is something that happened. A memory. If you've truly healed, it won't even feel like a particularly painful memory.

 3. The lie: He cheated because she must be amazing in bed.
The truth: He cheated because he was seeking something outside himself that's missing inside himself. He cheated because he liked the reflection of himself he saw in her eyes. He cheated because it felt exciting and dangerous. He cheated because he was able to convince himself that it was somehow okay. That he deserved it. That nobody would get hurt. He cheated because he's capable of self-delusion. He cheated because he has addiction issues. Still think it's because of the sex? Read this.

4. The lie: "She must have had something I didn't."
The truth: What she had, you don't want. Being an other woman is rarely like in the movies. While there might be champagne and roses (at least at the start), there's also cancelled rendezvous, erectile dysfunction, arguments, lonely nights and holidays…and a future that's more about promises than plans. What's more, to participate as an OW, you need to convince yourself that you somehow have more claim on this guy than the person with whom he promised to love, honour and cherish. That life (or his wife) is complicating your future together, not him. That all that stuff he says to you is true, even though you know that, at some point, he said the same stuff to his wife. That lying about you and hiding you away is evidence of his love. You want that? Didn't think so.

5. The lie: "He cheated because I gained weight/got pregnant/got depressed/got sick…"
The truth: He cheated because he wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with his own issues. He cheated to escape. Any guy who cheats because his wife gains weight, gets pregnant, is dealing with a disabled child or an aging parent or whatever is a total dick who needs to shown the door anyway. Any guy who cheats is, frankly, someone incapable of having a healthy relationship, one that includes really tough conversations. Marriage has a steep learning curve. Sadly, few of us saw healthy marriages played out for us. So it's hard to know how to broach tough topics, like waning attraction due to weight gain or pregnancy, fear of fatherhood, feelings of abandonment. Many of us don't even really know what we're feeling…we just know we're feeling lonely and misunderstood. An affair can seem appealing. But the smart ones among us recognize that's a dangerous path to go down. That it will cause a whole lot more problems than it will solve. They're the ones who give their marriage a fighting chance before they blow it up. The others…well…we know what happens.

6. The lie: "My happiness depends on him."
The truth: Your happiness depends on you. It always did. Too many of us have bought into pop-song wisdom about finding our soul mates and living happily ever after. Happy comes, generally, with enough soul searching that we exorcise our own demons and discover a deep sense of worth in ourselves, no matter what the world says about us.

8. The lie: "My marriage will never the same (it will be worse)."
The truth: My marriage will never be the same (it can be better). I would have called total bullshit on that a few years ago. I would have scoffed, of course it can be better if he's not sleeping with other people. But really good? Nah.' But here I am, eating my words. It takes a lot of work. It takes a deep commitment on the part of your husband to recognize how badly he's hurt you and how he's damaged your relationship. And it takes a strong desire to want to be a better person. To deserve your love and trust. And you've got some work too. To take a good look at your marriage and take responsibility for your own shortcomings. (This is in no way to say you were to blame for his cheating. That's on him. But there isn't a marriage in the world in which just one partner is to blame for issues within it.) And then, slowly, you rebuild. A few years later, you just might be amazed at how strong that marriage feels. And how deep the love goes.
And that's the truth.

Anxiety is a Creeper

I keep feeling anxious because of the Christmas holiday.  I keep projecting about faking the happiness when around friends and family.  What if I have to fake it, but what if I don't.  If I could just stop my mind and trust it would be so much easier.  The thing is, since I have all these anxieties and concerns, I assume my husband does.  Are we talking about it enough?  Are we being transparent?  Does it even matter?  Oh the skeptical pessimist I have become.  I don't like her, but I feel I need her to protect myself from anymore emotional harm.

Remember Just Breath

Today I feel hopeful.  I feel love in my heart.  I hope that the love I think I see from my husband is true.  It scares me when I feel it, I am fearful I will loose it again.  I have to take in deep breaths and remind myself to stay in the now.  Appreciate the now.  Enjoy the love, don't worry about it.  Brian's efforts to make me feel loved are noticed and so adored.  When he texts me I am beautiful, when he randomly says hi, when he holds me, when he asks me to cuddle.  I am thrilled.  I feel secure, I feel loved, I feel like I have someone who cares for me and then I worry that it will be taken away.  I take a deep breath.  I exhale, and stare.  I blow the dark away, even if only temporarily.  Today I am hopeful and vulnerable and I am okay because being vulnerable makes me stronger.

Fake it Till You Make It'

Christmas is almost here and I am consumed with anxiety and randomly attacked with sadness.  I spend about 80 to 90% of my Christmas activities faking it.  I don't know what else to do.  No one wants to be around a depressed person during the holiday season and I certainly don't want to spoil the holidays for my son or loved ones.  So I fake it.  I stuff it, I don't talk about it.  I am journaling it instead.

The battle is hard as the emotions rise from the pit of my gut and I frantically battle them at my throat only to choke to eye swell tear and then stuff again.  The closer Christmas gets the more this is happening.  It is my first Christmas since D-Day and I am just letting it unfold as best I can and trying to get through with a stage smile.

Last night as I was going to bed I had a horrible thought.  My husband has been off work due to shoulder surgery and we have not had sex for about a week and a half.  I somehow convince myself that having sex is the solution to fixing our marriage and keeping him from cheating.  What a joke.  I know this not to be true, but act on it anyway.  So, last night I am laying in bed and it occurs to me that after his doctors appointment that day, I didn't hear from him until 3:00 in the afternoon.  He texted saying he was taking my son shopping for Christmas.  I asked, "What did you do between your doctors appointment and taking him shopping".  He said he went shopping by himself for me.  My thought as I lay in bed last night, almost asleep, in twilight, out of nowhere was,....., "He probably didn't shop for you, he had sex with her, that's why he does not want to have sex right now and hasn't for a week, and he must be lying, don't be a fool Amy, don't trust, don't allow yourself to be devastated again, he hasn't had sex with you, he admits to handling it himself this past week, he probably had help. He probably misses her, it's the holidays it causes people to stir and get emotional and miss people.  He probably misses her and she misses him.  She is a nurse, she can help him with his shoulder, that was his way back in with her.  Don't be a fool, stay alert.  You are not good enough to keep him, there is nothing you can do to stop him from continuing to lie and have affairs."

How evil, how torturous the brain is.  How hard it works to keep me in a state of unloved, unliked, unattractive, unworthy.  The truth is that he probably did no such thing.  I will never know, but I have no proof to the contrary.  I could ask a ton of questions, but why.  Only to speculate and analyze and work from fear?  No.  I won't allow it.  I will fake it till I make it.  I will acknowledge silently and by myself the agony that occurs.  One day I will emerge or end.  Until then I keep trudging.

Accute Awareness

I am accutely aware that I am completely alone.  I used my voice last night and told my husband I was aware of something that he did with me that started with her.  I told him how I suddenly felt like a fool.  Like what we were doing was special, but then realized that it wasn't at all.

It's okay to be completely alone.  Even in a room full of people.  Its a lonly place sometimes, but it is okay. Often it is easier than to try and convince yourself you are a part of something special.  when you are all alone and you realize that you are not a part of anything special, you have freedom.

Freedom to participate in activities that are simply that, activities that are no longer intimate, no long have emotional attachment, no longer expectations.  That sounds like a bunch of bullshit.  My biggest problem is I am emotionally attached.  I want to feel like my relationship, my marriage is something unique to only us.  I don't feel that way.  Just when I think it might be, accute awareness creeps back in.