It now has been over 6 months since DDay and I still have bad feelings. I feel scared still, I am still distrusting. I project constantly, I question his motives and truth constantly. However, I do it all in my head now. I have stopped talking about this outloud. The weight is no longer crushing, but it is heavy.
I have found that talking to him about these things, I often walk away dissapointed with no closure to the issue. I now realize there will never be closure. He can not do anything that will make me feel safe, trusting or unfearful. I am going to have to figure out to feel secure with him on my own. So far, I still don't.
Oddly, when I am with him, I usually feel good. A sense of calm, peace, love even. Not always, but more often than not. But she is still there, in my head every sexual encounter. Jackie. I fear she will live with me forever and invade every day of my remaining life. A woman I don't even know, renting space in my head. It is the cruelest lingering experience I have ever endured.
In the past I had bad sexual encounters at a young age. Multiple people at one time only to be left as spectator and then abandoned. I have even been hit and beaten by Men. Thats the thing about sex in general. It can dehumanizes us, we become nothing but sex tools. It's fine while it's happening, it feels good. Then I realize, it's just sex. There is no meaning to it. The intamacy is practically gone. The warmth and nurturing, the connecting, the safe place of absolute unquestioning trust is now fleeting. I now realize that it never existed. It was an illusion of sorts. I think of the saying, "The object of my affection". "Object", that is the word of permanence. "Affection", that is fleeting, there is no permanence. No one will ever have affection permanently for me. I am the object.
On this I choke. I struggle daily. I know it. I must find my voice.
