I Will Be Living Smart

Decisions and a Glimmer of Hope

I made some progress this week!  I made the decision to move in a forward direction.  I have been feeling so low and resentful with expectations and dread with the holidays approaching.  However, I have a friend that made me realize I can do things that I once enjoyed, the trick is to stop expecting appreciation for those things.  I need to learn to do them because I like doing them.  Find hobbies and activities that are for me to enjoy.  I am thrilled that I have had this revalation.

I am going to decorate the house for the holidays.  I am going to do it for me.  It will bring sad memories, but I now realize that those memories can not be avoided no matter how hard I try.  Acceptance of the emotional flood is my answer.  I will decorate without expectation of recognition of how nice the house looks.  I will decorate to make myself feel good.  To feel warm and cosy.  To feel as at home and as at peace as I can.  I will make my home feel more like a sanctuary where I can release my pain for awhile and just love myself.

I also have made a decision to reach out to a network support group for people going through infidelity.  I learned I have somewhere to go to meet with people struggling with the same issues as I am.  They only meet once a month, but I will take it.  I need it.  I MUST HEAL!

I have glimmers of hope for just me, not just us.  I know I have to find me again and love me, heal me, inspite of my relationship. Bit by bit I will somehow find me again.

1st Anniversary since D-Day

My Love,

As you know I am not the best at expressing my feelings with the spoken word. (I'm sure you're thinking that's an understatement LOL). So I am writing this email in hopes that my written words will find you and touch you in ways that my voice cannot. 

As I opened my eyes today this 30th day of September 2016 I immediately thought of you and us. The fact that we were married 16 years ago today in that little church in Dunedin. All our friends and family gathered in one place to help us celebrate our union. It was a very happy day for me and I know for you as well. Although we had been together for many years already it was the beginning of our lives together. We were both filled with dreams of what life had yet to bring us. Such a joyous and happy day for sure! I will never forget it and look upon it fondly always.

Since that day our lives have had ups and downs, victories and defeats, joy and sadness, life and death, elation and sorrow. But throughout it all we have had each other to share these times whether good or bad. No matter what we have made it through these times...together. When one was weak the other has been strong. There is no one I would have rather shared those times with!

You have made my life better being in it. I hope that I have done the same. I am not perfect and realize that more than ever as of late. I know I have not been easy to live with at times but you have always managed to find a way to do so. Whether you realize it or not your ability to be supportive in my down times have meant the world to me.  Your way of being positive when I have a hard time seeing it has gotten me through many times. I am grateful for you and that. I am grateful for you being the mother of our son and all the hardships you have had to endure being his mother. I know it hasn't been easy. But you always found a way to power through no matter the sacrifice. You are an amazing woman.

I know that you didn't want to acknowledge this day but I felt I must at least let you know how much I love and appreciate you. That you and our marriage is the most important thing in my life. I know because of the "incident" this is very difficult for you to understand but it's true. I never stopped loving you and never will. I hope in time you will see that and know it to be truth for you as well. 

I love you with all of my heart!  

I made it through our anniversary.  It was rough because it is also that day my brother died.  I went to work and could not stop crying.  Then I received this letter from my WH.  It means a great deal to me to hear these words, but I am so skeptic I find a way to belittle them and give them less weight.  Why I wonder?  Is it past experience? Is it lack of self worth?  If I am going to heal fully, I will have to find out why I can not allow the love to just be. Being vulnerable is so damn scary after you have been hurt so deeply.