Knowledge of Suffering

"They watched her closely. In point of fact, she had never looked as well. She had entered her room as just an impossibly lovely girl. The woman who emerged was a trifle thinner, a great deal wiser, and an ocean sadder. This one understood the nature of pain, and beneath the glory of her features, there was character, and a sure knowledge of suffering."
~William Goldman, The Princess Bride

No Control.

My husband is having a difficult time at work.  He has worked there for many years and he has been passed over for a promotion time and time again.  He wants to get out of his job and do something else, but feels trapped as he has no formal education to go elsewhere.  He talks of the disrespect, the being taken advantage of and the secrets that is so called friend coworkers have done.  I can relate.  It was done to me by him.  Those exact feelings.  Without being critical, I tried to gently let him know that I understand and that in time his feelings will subside.

I can't help but think if karma is real it is hitting him hard.  I love him and I sincerely hope he finds his way.  I am accutely aware I can not fix him or his issues.  I sit, I watch, I try to say encouraging things, I wait.

This is so different from the old me before the affair.  I woud have gotten deeply involved and worked to fix it all.  No longer, not mine to fix.  I never fixed it before anyway.  Things happen to people, they feel horrible sometimes.  In the end sometimes the otherside is much better.  I will let what ever it is to happen, happen.

If all falls apart then it does. I don't have control. I am so glad I don't.

I Am So Tired

I am So Tired of:

• Feeling less than
• Thinking about what he is doing
• Wondering if he is tired too
• The fear of the unknown
• Self defeating thinking
• Quietly watching
• Self loathing
• Anger
• Constantly thinking
• Having no faith
• Hoping
• Not trusting
• Not believing
• Hanging by a thread
• Emotional roller coasters
• Wanting to disappear
• Feeling alone in the world
• Feeling misunderstood
• Feeling taken for granted
• Feeling demoralized to just an object
• Feeling needy
• Feeling unloved
• Seeing love as a lie
• Secrets
• Existing

I want the me I knew back.  The one that believed in miracles, magic and fairytales.  Now all I believe in is circumstance.  There is no way to be loved the way you love. You are convienent, the best tollerated, and you look good.  You are available to fill others needs.  That is your lot in life.  All my blessings have turned.  I hope they turn again some day.

Will I ever feel full?

How Long?