The Shattering

May 7, 2016  I am not sure if this was the worst day of my life or if September 30th, 2012 was.  May 7th one day before Mother's Day was the day my husband told me that he was unhappy in our marriage of 15 years and relationship of 22 years.  He told me that he had sex with another woman. We had just come back from celebrating Mothers Day on the beach with my mother and had a great time fishing with our son.  I was laying in bed with a yeast infection that I had for the last 3 days and was in quite a bit of physical misery.  He decided to tell me of his Infidelity because he was worried that I had a STD that came from his unprotected sex with the "other woman".

Never have I felt such surreal shattering in my mind as I did at that moment.  My entire world crumbled.  The one person left in my life that I thought I could truly count on, just informed me that not even he was reliable, truthful, or honest.

You see September 30th, 2012 was the day my brother died.  It is also the date of my wedding anniversary.  This date was the best day of my life and also the worst, so I thought.  Following the death of my brother I had to work hard to remain strong and capable.  We had many other deaths for the two years following, and life had become difficult remaining positive while raising our son who also was having a very hard go of it in school.

I thought I was doing everything I could to be the good wife, the best mom, a terrific daughter and wonderful manager.  Apparently, I was wrong because you can not please everyone and you can kill yourself trying.  You can also forget important details of relationships.  You can overlook the needs of others by categorizing who needs what when.  I learned to never assume that even though you will give your all when the chips are down for others that they will give their all for you.

The world has officially lost its color for me.  I no longer trust my judgement.  I no longer trust my senses.  I live moment to moment just trying to keep my mind in the here and now.  It has been almost 90 days since the discovery and I am looking for the new me wandering in the grey.

I have decided to try and stay with my husband.  We have chosen to do counseling.  These days since the discovery have been crazy.  I don't know if I should stay or go, but I have no choice.  I am to destroyed to move on by myself.  I hope that we can fix this marriage.  I hope I find the pieces to put myself back togherther.  I hope he really does want to fix our marriage. I fear that to much is between us to find middle ground.  I am giving 2 years to heal.  I pray that we do.