How Important Is It?

We all want to be loved, but we never actually get to experience the love that others have for us.  We only get to experience the love we have for others.  Love is such an elusive word and is so open to interpretation just like the Bible.

I wonder how important love is.  I assume life would be pretty stark and sad if no one loved you, but what if you really loved yourself fully.  Would you desire others love?

Many people claim to love, but they are simply in a lustful state or they are in a convenient relationship that meets their needs.

I have Corinthians on my wall in my bedroom and I read it every night before I fall asleep and although I ponder and meditate on these words describing love, love still becomes muddled for me.

Perhaps it is because of what has happened.  Perhaps, because my truth, my ideal, my love, did the most unthinkable, unimaginable.  I found that that man, the man I loved, was not truly that man and the contract of commitment of love did not hold the same value system for him as it did for me.

Love, a word, a feeling a desire that can be altered, misinterpreted, denied, and unrequited.  Does it really exist at all?  Maybe it is a culmination of many emotions jumbled and its the "easy" word to describe a melting pot of feelings at any given time.

The Shattering

May 7, 2016  I am not sure if this was the worst day of my life or if September 30th, 2012 was.  May 7th one day before Mother's Day was the day my husband told me that he was unhappy in our marriage of 15 years and relationship of 22 years.  He told me that he had sex with another woman. We had just come back from celebrating Mothers Day on the beach with my mother and had a great time fishing with our son.  I was laying in bed with a yeast infection that I had for the last 3 days and was in quite a bit of physical misery.  He decided to tell me of his Infidelity because he was worried that I had a STD that came from his unprotected sex with the "other woman".

Never have I felt such surreal shattering in my mind as I did at that moment.  My entire world crumbled.  The one person left in my life that I thought I could truly count on, just informed me that not even he was reliable, truthful, or honest.

You see September 30th, 2012 was the day my brother died.  It is also the date of my wedding anniversary.  This date was the best day of my life and also the worst, so I thought.  Following the death of my brother I had to work hard to remain strong and capable.  We had many other deaths for the two years following, and life had become difficult remaining positive while raising our son who also was having a very hard go of it in school.

I thought I was doing everything I could to be the good wife, the best mom, a terrific daughter and wonderful manager.  Apparently, I was wrong because you can not please everyone and you can kill yourself trying.  You can also forget important details of relationships.  You can overlook the needs of others by categorizing who needs what when.  I learned to never assume that even though you will give your all when the chips are down for others that they will give their all for you.

The world has officially lost its color for me.  I no longer trust my judgement.  I no longer trust my senses.  I live moment to moment just trying to keep my mind in the here and now.  It has been almost 90 days since the discovery and I am looking for the new me wandering in the grey.

I have decided to try and stay with my husband.  We have chosen to do counseling.  These days since the discovery have been crazy.  I don't know if I should stay or go, but I have no choice.  I am to destroyed to move on by myself.  I hope that we can fix this marriage.  I hope I find the pieces to put myself back togherther.  I hope he really does want to fix our marriage. I fear that to much is between us to find middle ground.  I am giving 2 years to heal.  I pray that we do.