The New Year and the Elephant Remains

Dear Husband –

In less than 48 hours the New Year will be here.  I have not as long as I can remember ever been superstitious with respect to the New Year.  I have never made resolutions.  However, the turn of this year marks hope for me.  I have never been more desperately hopeful for a better life, a better relationship and a new outlook of commitment. 

I have spoken to you about this before, but I am writing it as well.  It is my sincere hope that the sexual desires that differ between us can find a middle ground in which we both feel fulfilled and happy.  It appears to me that this is the biggest hurdle we have.

I know you find other women attractive.  I don’t need to be reminded of it.  I know you desire to have sex with other women.  I am mostly insecure over that fact.  The question remains is as you look deep into your desires are you willing to stay considering the boundaries I have.

When you first talked to me about your affair you told me in a quite intense manner that you were unwilling to not explore your sexual desires anymore.  Those words are burned into my brain.  I remember those words.  What I am unsure of is, were those words in anger and defense of the situation at the time, or are those words true and you are waiting for me to become comfortable with all your desires.

What I am saying is this.  I know I absolutely cannot have sex in a group setting, ever.  Also, while I fantasize about some sexual things, I know in reality I am not willing to do them.  I have come to feel confident in this when searching my own heart and my belief system.  I must stay true to myself in this.

I love you dearly; I don’t want to live my life without you.  I can’t imagine it.  I want to grow old with you.  However, I cannot live wondering about this.  It will only keep the wedge between us.  It is for me the pink elephant in the room.

I hope this year mends us regardless of the outcome.  I know I prefer to live the remainder of my life with you, but most of all I want us to live whole and complete. I know there will be more dates to hurdle and more healing to be done this year, but every step is closer to becoming fully healed.

I must remember these lies:

1. The lie: "I'm a fool"
I hear this one a lot. "I'm such a fool for believing he loved me." "I'm a total fool for thinking he'd never cheat." "He made a fool of me."
The truth: You're a loyal wife and friend who trusted someone who betrayed that trust.

2. The lie: "I'll never get past this."
The truth: Yes, you will. It will take time. Far longer than you would expect (experts generally say three to five years…I was closer to five). But within that time, you'll inch your way closer to a better marriage (if you choose to stay) or a better life (if you choose to go). You'll work through the pain and get to a place where you recognize that this wasn't about you. You were collateral damage. You'll get past it to a place where being betrayed is something that happened. A memory. If you've truly healed, it won't even feel like a particularly painful memory.

 3. The lie: He cheated because she must be amazing in bed.
The truth: He cheated because he was seeking something outside himself that's missing inside himself. He cheated because he liked the reflection of himself he saw in her eyes. He cheated because it felt exciting and dangerous. He cheated because he was able to convince himself that it was somehow okay. That he deserved it. That nobody would get hurt. He cheated because he's capable of self-delusion. He cheated because he has addiction issues. Still think it's because of the sex? Read this.

4. The lie: "She must have had something I didn't."
The truth: What she had, you don't want. Being an other woman is rarely like in the movies. While there might be champagne and roses (at least at the start), there's also cancelled rendezvous, erectile dysfunction, arguments, lonely nights and holidays…and a future that's more about promises than plans. What's more, to participate as an OW, you need to convince yourself that you somehow have more claim on this guy than the person with whom he promised to love, honour and cherish. That life (or his wife) is complicating your future together, not him. That all that stuff he says to you is true, even though you know that, at some point, he said the same stuff to his wife. That lying about you and hiding you away is evidence of his love. You want that? Didn't think so.

5. The lie: "He cheated because I gained weight/got pregnant/got depressed/got sick…"
The truth: He cheated because he wasn't emotionally equipped to deal with his own issues. He cheated to escape. Any guy who cheats because his wife gains weight, gets pregnant, is dealing with a disabled child or an aging parent or whatever is a total dick who needs to shown the door anyway. Any guy who cheats is, frankly, someone incapable of having a healthy relationship, one that includes really tough conversations. Marriage has a steep learning curve. Sadly, few of us saw healthy marriages played out for us. So it's hard to know how to broach tough topics, like waning attraction due to weight gain or pregnancy, fear of fatherhood, feelings of abandonment. Many of us don't even really know what we're feeling…we just know we're feeling lonely and misunderstood. An affair can seem appealing. But the smart ones among us recognize that's a dangerous path to go down. That it will cause a whole lot more problems than it will solve. They're the ones who give their marriage a fighting chance before they blow it up. The others…well…we know what happens.

6. The lie: "My happiness depends on him."
The truth: Your happiness depends on you. It always did. Too many of us have bought into pop-song wisdom about finding our soul mates and living happily ever after. Happy comes, generally, with enough soul searching that we exorcise our own demons and discover a deep sense of worth in ourselves, no matter what the world says about us.

8. The lie: "My marriage will never the same (it will be worse)."
The truth: My marriage will never be the same (it can be better). I would have called total bullshit on that a few years ago. I would have scoffed, of course it can be better if he's not sleeping with other people. But really good? Nah.' But here I am, eating my words. It takes a lot of work. It takes a deep commitment on the part of your husband to recognize how badly he's hurt you and how he's damaged your relationship. And it takes a strong desire to want to be a better person. To deserve your love and trust. And you've got some work too. To take a good look at your marriage and take responsibility for your own shortcomings. (This is in no way to say you were to blame for his cheating. That's on him. But there isn't a marriage in the world in which just one partner is to blame for issues within it.) And then, slowly, you rebuild. A few years later, you just might be amazed at how strong that marriage feels. And how deep the love goes.
And that's the truth.

Anxiety is a Creeper

I keep feeling anxious because of the Christmas holiday.  I keep projecting about faking the happiness when around friends and family.  What if I have to fake it, but what if I don't.  If I could just stop my mind and trust it would be so much easier.  The thing is, since I have all these anxieties and concerns, I assume my husband does.  Are we talking about it enough?  Are we being transparent?  Does it even matter?  Oh the skeptical pessimist I have become.  I don't like her, but I feel I need her to protect myself from anymore emotional harm.

Remember Just Breath

Today I feel hopeful.  I feel love in my heart.  I hope that the love I think I see from my husband is true.  It scares me when I feel it, I am fearful I will loose it again.  I have to take in deep breaths and remind myself to stay in the now.  Appreciate the now.  Enjoy the love, don't worry about it.  Brian's efforts to make me feel loved are noticed and so adored.  When he texts me I am beautiful, when he randomly says hi, when he holds me, when he asks me to cuddle.  I am thrilled.  I feel secure, I feel loved, I feel like I have someone who cares for me and then I worry that it will be taken away.  I take a deep breath.  I exhale, and stare.  I blow the dark away, even if only temporarily.  Today I am hopeful and vulnerable and I am okay because being vulnerable makes me stronger.

Fake it Till You Make It'

Christmas is almost here and I am consumed with anxiety and randomly attacked with sadness.  I spend about 80 to 90% of my Christmas activities faking it.  I don't know what else to do.  No one wants to be around a depressed person during the holiday season and I certainly don't want to spoil the holidays for my son or loved ones.  So I fake it.  I stuff it, I don't talk about it.  I am journaling it instead.

The battle is hard as the emotions rise from the pit of my gut and I frantically battle them at my throat only to choke to eye swell tear and then stuff again.  The closer Christmas gets the more this is happening.  It is my first Christmas since D-Day and I am just letting it unfold as best I can and trying to get through with a stage smile.

Last night as I was going to bed I had a horrible thought.  My husband has been off work due to shoulder surgery and we have not had sex for about a week and a half.  I somehow convince myself that having sex is the solution to fixing our marriage and keeping him from cheating.  What a joke.  I know this not to be true, but act on it anyway.  So, last night I am laying in bed and it occurs to me that after his doctors appointment that day, I didn't hear from him until 3:00 in the afternoon.  He texted saying he was taking my son shopping for Christmas.  I asked, "What did you do between your doctors appointment and taking him shopping".  He said he went shopping by himself for me.  My thought as I lay in bed last night, almost asleep, in twilight, out of nowhere was,....., "He probably didn't shop for you, he had sex with her, that's why he does not want to have sex right now and hasn't for a week, and he must be lying, don't be a fool Amy, don't trust, don't allow yourself to be devastated again, he hasn't had sex with you, he admits to handling it himself this past week, he probably had help. He probably misses her, it's the holidays it causes people to stir and get emotional and miss people.  He probably misses her and she misses him.  She is a nurse, she can help him with his shoulder, that was his way back in with her.  Don't be a fool, stay alert.  You are not good enough to keep him, there is nothing you can do to stop him from continuing to lie and have affairs."

How evil, how torturous the brain is.  How hard it works to keep me in a state of unloved, unliked, unattractive, unworthy.  The truth is that he probably did no such thing.  I will never know, but I have no proof to the contrary.  I could ask a ton of questions, but why.  Only to speculate and analyze and work from fear?  No.  I won't allow it.  I will fake it till I make it.  I will acknowledge silently and by myself the agony that occurs.  One day I will emerge or end.  Until then I keep trudging.

Accute Awareness

I am accutely aware that I am completely alone.  I used my voice last night and told my husband I was aware of something that he did with me that started with her.  I told him how I suddenly felt like a fool.  Like what we were doing was special, but then realized that it wasn't at all.

It's okay to be completely alone.  Even in a room full of people.  Its a lonly place sometimes, but it is okay. Often it is easier than to try and convince yourself you are a part of something special.  when you are all alone and you realize that you are not a part of anything special, you have freedom.

Freedom to participate in activities that are simply that, activities that are no longer intimate, no long have emotional attachment, no longer expectations.  That sounds like a bunch of bullshit.  My biggest problem is I am emotionally attached.  I want to feel like my relationship, my marriage is something unique to only us.  I don't feel that way.  Just when I think it might be, accute awareness creeps back in.

I Must Find My Voice

This past month both my husband and I became very ill with a throat virus.  Ironic that I think we have trouble communicating and then this happens to both of us.

It now has been over 6 months since DDay and I still have bad feelings.  I feel scared still, I am still distrusting.  I project constantly, I question his motives and truth constantly.  However, I do it all in my head now.  I have stopped talking about this outloud.  The weight is no longer crushing, but it is heavy. 

I have found that talking to him about these things, I often walk away dissapointed with no closure to the issue.  I now realize there will never be closure.  He can not do anything that will make me feel safe, trusting or unfearful.  I am going to have to figure out to feel secure with him on my own.  So far, I still don't.

Oddly, when I am with him, I usually feel good.  A sense of calm, peace, love even.  Not always, but more often than not.  But she is still there, in my head every sexual encounter.  Jackie.  I fear she will live with me forever and invade every day of my remaining life.  A woman I don't even know, renting space in my head.  It is the cruelest lingering experience I have ever endured.

In the past I had bad sexual encounters at a young age.  Multiple people at one time only to be left as spectator and then abandoned. I have even been hit and beaten by Men. Thats the thing about sex in general.  It can dehumanizes us, we become nothing but sex tools.  It's fine while it's happening, it feels good.  Then I realize, it's just sex. There is no meaning to it.  The intamacy is practically gone. The warmth and nurturing, the connecting, the safe place of absolute unquestioning trust is now fleeting.  I now realize that it never existed.  It was an illusion of sorts.  I think of the saying, "The object of my affection".  "Object", that is the word of permanence.  "Affection", that is fleeting, there is no permanence.  No one will ever have affection permanently for me.  I am the object.

On this I choke. I struggle daily.  I know it.  I must find my voice.

I Will Be Living Smart

Decisions and a Glimmer of Hope

I made some progress this week!  I made the decision to move in a forward direction.  I have been feeling so low and resentful with expectations and dread with the holidays approaching.  However, I have a friend that made me realize I can do things that I once enjoyed, the trick is to stop expecting appreciation for those things.  I need to learn to do them because I like doing them.  Find hobbies and activities that are for me to enjoy.  I am thrilled that I have had this revalation.

I am going to decorate the house for the holidays.  I am going to do it for me.  It will bring sad memories, but I now realize that those memories can not be avoided no matter how hard I try.  Acceptance of the emotional flood is my answer.  I will decorate without expectation of recognition of how nice the house looks.  I will decorate to make myself feel good.  To feel warm and cosy.  To feel as at home and as at peace as I can.  I will make my home feel more like a sanctuary where I can release my pain for awhile and just love myself.

I also have made a decision to reach out to a network support group for people going through infidelity.  I learned I have somewhere to go to meet with people struggling with the same issues as I am.  They only meet once a month, but I will take it.  I need it.  I MUST HEAL!

I have glimmers of hope for just me, not just us.  I know I have to find me again and love me, heal me, inspite of my relationship. Bit by bit I will somehow find me again.

1st Anniversary since D-Day

My Love,

As you know I am not the best at expressing my feelings with the spoken word. (I'm sure you're thinking that's an understatement LOL). So I am writing this email in hopes that my written words will find you and touch you in ways that my voice cannot. 

As I opened my eyes today this 30th day of September 2016 I immediately thought of you and us. The fact that we were married 16 years ago today in that little church in Dunedin. All our friends and family gathered in one place to help us celebrate our union. It was a very happy day for me and I know for you as well. Although we had been together for many years already it was the beginning of our lives together. We were both filled with dreams of what life had yet to bring us. Such a joyous and happy day for sure! I will never forget it and look upon it fondly always.

Since that day our lives have had ups and downs, victories and defeats, joy and sadness, life and death, elation and sorrow. But throughout it all we have had each other to share these times whether good or bad. No matter what we have made it through these times...together. When one was weak the other has been strong. There is no one I would have rather shared those times with!

You have made my life better being in it. I hope that I have done the same. I am not perfect and realize that more than ever as of late. I know I have not been easy to live with at times but you have always managed to find a way to do so. Whether you realize it or not your ability to be supportive in my down times have meant the world to me.  Your way of being positive when I have a hard time seeing it has gotten me through many times. I am grateful for you and that. I am grateful for you being the mother of our son and all the hardships you have had to endure being his mother. I know it hasn't been easy. But you always found a way to power through no matter the sacrifice. You are an amazing woman.

I know that you didn't want to acknowledge this day but I felt I must at least let you know how much I love and appreciate you. That you and our marriage is the most important thing in my life. I know because of the "incident" this is very difficult for you to understand but it's true. I never stopped loving you and never will. I hope in time you will see that and know it to be truth for you as well. 

I love you with all of my heart!  

I made it through our anniversary.  It was rough because it is also that day my brother died.  I went to work and could not stop crying.  Then I received this letter from my WH.  It means a great deal to me to hear these words, but I am so skeptic I find a way to belittle them and give them less weight.  Why I wonder?  Is it past experience? Is it lack of self worth?  If I am going to heal fully, I will have to find out why I can not allow the love to just be. Being vulnerable is so damn scary after you have been hurt so deeply.

Knowledge of Suffering

"They watched her closely. In point of fact, she had never looked as well. She had entered her room as just an impossibly lovely girl. The woman who emerged was a trifle thinner, a great deal wiser, and an ocean sadder. This one understood the nature of pain, and beneath the glory of her features, there was character, and a sure knowledge of suffering."
~William Goldman, The Princess Bride

No Control.

My husband is having a difficult time at work.  He has worked there for many years and he has been passed over for a promotion time and time again.  He wants to get out of his job and do something else, but feels trapped as he has no formal education to go elsewhere.  He talks of the disrespect, the being taken advantage of and the secrets that is so called friend coworkers have done.  I can relate.  It was done to me by him.  Those exact feelings.  Without being critical, I tried to gently let him know that I understand and that in time his feelings will subside.

I can't help but think if karma is real it is hitting him hard.  I love him and I sincerely hope he finds his way.  I am accutely aware I can not fix him or his issues.  I sit, I watch, I try to say encouraging things, I wait.

This is so different from the old me before the affair.  I woud have gotten deeply involved and worked to fix it all.  No longer, not mine to fix.  I never fixed it before anyway.  Things happen to people, they feel horrible sometimes.  In the end sometimes the otherside is much better.  I will let what ever it is to happen, happen.

If all falls apart then it does. I don't have control. I am so glad I don't.

I Am So Tired

I am So Tired of:

• Feeling less than
• Thinking about what he is doing
• Wondering if he is tired too
• The fear of the unknown
• Self defeating thinking
• Quietly watching
• Self loathing
• Anger
• Constantly thinking
• Having no faith
• Hoping
• Not trusting
• Not believing
• Hanging by a thread
• Emotional roller coasters
• Wanting to disappear
• Feeling alone in the world
• Feeling misunderstood
• Feeling taken for granted
• Feeling demoralized to just an object
• Feeling needy
• Feeling unloved
• Seeing love as a lie
• Secrets
• Existing

I want the me I knew back.  The one that believed in miracles, magic and fairytales.  Now all I believe in is circumstance.  There is no way to be loved the way you love. You are convienent, the best tollerated, and you look good.  You are available to fill others needs.  That is your lot in life.  All my blessings have turned.  I hope they turn again some day.

Will I ever feel full?

How Long?

How Important Is It?

We all want to be loved, but we never actually get to experience the love that others have for us.  We only get to experience the love we have for others.  Love is such an elusive word and is so open to interpretation just like the Bible.

I wonder how important love is.  I assume life would be pretty stark and sad if no one loved you, but what if you really loved yourself fully.  Would you desire others love?

Many people claim to love, but they are simply in a lustful state or they are in a convenient relationship that meets their needs.

I have Corinthians on my wall in my bedroom and I read it every night before I fall asleep and although I ponder and meditate on these words describing love, love still becomes muddled for me.

Perhaps it is because of what has happened.  Perhaps, because my truth, my ideal, my love, did the most unthinkable, unimaginable.  I found that that man, the man I loved, was not truly that man and the contract of commitment of love did not hold the same value system for him as it did for me.

Love, a word, a feeling a desire that can be altered, misinterpreted, denied, and unrequited.  Does it really exist at all?  Maybe it is a culmination of many emotions jumbled and its the "easy" word to describe a melting pot of feelings at any given time.

The Shattering

May 7, 2016  I am not sure if this was the worst day of my life or if September 30th, 2012 was.  May 7th one day before Mother's Day was the day my husband told me that he was unhappy in our marriage of 15 years and relationship of 22 years.  He told me that he had sex with another woman. We had just come back from celebrating Mothers Day on the beach with my mother and had a great time fishing with our son.  I was laying in bed with a yeast infection that I had for the last 3 days and was in quite a bit of physical misery.  He decided to tell me of his Infidelity because he was worried that I had a STD that came from his unprotected sex with the "other woman".

Never have I felt such surreal shattering in my mind as I did at that moment.  My entire world crumbled.  The one person left in my life that I thought I could truly count on, just informed me that not even he was reliable, truthful, or honest.

You see September 30th, 2012 was the day my brother died.  It is also the date of my wedding anniversary.  This date was the best day of my life and also the worst, so I thought.  Following the death of my brother I had to work hard to remain strong and capable.  We had many other deaths for the two years following, and life had become difficult remaining positive while raising our son who also was having a very hard go of it in school.

I thought I was doing everything I could to be the good wife, the best mom, a terrific daughter and wonderful manager.  Apparently, I was wrong because you can not please everyone and you can kill yourself trying.  You can also forget important details of relationships.  You can overlook the needs of others by categorizing who needs what when.  I learned to never assume that even though you will give your all when the chips are down for others that they will give their all for you.

The world has officially lost its color for me.  I no longer trust my judgement.  I no longer trust my senses.  I live moment to moment just trying to keep my mind in the here and now.  It has been almost 90 days since the discovery and I am looking for the new me wandering in the grey.

I have decided to try and stay with my husband.  We have chosen to do counseling.  These days since the discovery have been crazy.  I don't know if I should stay or go, but I have no choice.  I am to destroyed to move on by myself.  I hope that we can fix this marriage.  I hope I find the pieces to put myself back togherther.  I hope he really does want to fix our marriage. I fear that to much is between us to find middle ground.  I am giving 2 years to heal.  I pray that we do.