This Could be It

Time to take back me.  There is nothing I can do for him.  He is self consumed.  He suffers from something I don't understand.  If you truly love someone why would you ever desire them to have sex with a 3rd person in the room even after you have told them how you have no desire to do so and have suffered trauma in the past from sex that makes you firm on the subject.  This loop discussion ends now.   No more damage, no more sorry.  No More pain.  I am taking back me no matter what!  I love him dearly, I wish him the highest good.  I am scared to death.  I don't know what road I am taking.  There is no light.  I am moving forward no matter what.

Social Talking

The other day I was on the phone with my mother who talked about how my Aunt on my Fathers side of the family was not a good person and cheated on her husband often.  I have had conversations with my Father too about people he knows who have cheated.  He said "that is one thing I can proudly say I have never done." 

Karma is a topic that I have talked with people about since DDay and cheating comes up.  It makes me fell sad, weak and foolish when I talk to these people.  It also makes me fearful of the future.  I hate the subject immensely. 

I would like to be able to talk more openly with my husband about it, but he still seems closed off by it and hates to talk.  He will, but he is always annoyed.

Part of forgiving, letting go and healing is talking about it between us.  I would like to find my own definition of it and how karma and my belief system plays into it.  Not the firm socially accepted standard that everyone talks about.  That one is so harmful to self esteem.

Out of Nowhere

It happened today - Out of nowhere.  My mom fell and ended up in hospital.  Maybe that is what triggered it.  I was convinced my husband was lying and cheating today.  His words on his phone did not match up.  Was it that or am I crazy now?  Its been good for quite some time.  If I find out he is lying and I have been buying his lies again, life feels like death.  I hope the truth he is giving is real.

Dear Husband

Dear Husband,

Thank you for all you efforts in our life together.  We have gone through many things over the years.  So much so that, I have, through time, had recollection of moments we have had that have brought me such joy, I would never be able to express that to you.

I am fully aware that I am no longer the teenage girl you dated, the youthful girlfriend you proposed to, or the young woman you made your wife.  I am no longer the exhausted new mom, or the energetic business woman.

I have had many insecurities in my life, self doubt about how I look, if I am worthy of love, If I have loved without judgment well enough, mothered our child properly so that he will succeed in life, just to name a few.  I have tried hard, up to this point, to be an amazing daughter, sister, girlfriend, wife, and mother.  In many ways I feel I have failed miserably.  Then I remember, I am doing the best I can at any given time. Sometimes, that just isn't going to be so great.

Life has changed me, People coming, people going, positive experience and devastating loss.  Clearly through all the hills and valleys, I no longer resemble the woman you fell in love with so many years ago.

There are some constants about me though.  My love for you, my love for our child, my willingness to battle and stand tall to any circumstance that may jolt my sense of well being in this world.  My sense that despite all that appears bad and evil, that there is a shred of good out there. Should anyone know about it, or find it, they should do their best to amplify it for others to see and experience. Sharing good is the only driver for making life worth living.

I am now, at this half point in my life, fully aware that I can only love you to the best I am capable at any time and I am willing to continue to try and do so.  I will never know if my love for you is fulfilling.  I have wondered many times, in our life together, if you simply settled for us due to your own challengers, changes and life insecurities.  I don't know what your internal truths are, but I can accept that what you tell me should have some honesty to it.  How can one live in a life of lies with people that are closest to them?  I would never want that for me, so I can see how others must not want that either.

In truth, I know these things, yet, I do not know fully who I am and what I fully believe.  I do know it is so much different from the girl you first met all those years ago. I am aware I am probably a far cry from your desires.

I just wanted to acknowledge your part in my journey and thank you.  I know in any life, the good, if amplified properly, will always outweigh the bad.  I love you and know you are full of good.  It is my hope that healing from our hardships together is helped by remembering the good so the bad always looses its power.

Thank you for being there for the many versions of me.

❤

Remember the Good Days

I have days I feel happy, grateful and content.  I need to remember these days.  As I work to heal my wounds, I need to remember those days.  I  have days that I am grateful for my husband.  Happy in the moment to just be with him.  I hope those days grow more numerous.  Those days are the best days.  The bright days.  The days where the air I breath is sweet.  The days where I walk the earth feeling not so alone.  The days that make me feel like there might be someone who holds me in their heart and will look out for me, care for me if needed.  A person who will be there when I age, and not just throw me somewhere convenient when I no longer serve a useful purpose.

I need to remember those days and hold tight to them.  For those are the days that I am living and not simply existing.  Those are the days that forgiveness shines its light.  Those are the days I love myself and see my reflection of worth in the eyes of another.  Those are the days I don't have to silently scream to myself that I am worthy of someones love.  Those are the days where the road feels firm beneath my feet.

What defines those days?  What makes them different from the dark days where the road is not visible, and the air is grey and heavy and foreboding.  Is it letting go of the past.  Another stitch has been sewn?  There is no clear burning bush or sign that says you have healed more and today you get to reap the reward.  It just is, they just happen and I am grateful for it.

I will keep working and doing what seems to be the next right thing to heal.  I am firmly aware that there will be more moments of pain and fear.  There will be moments that I will question if what I am doing is the right thing.  There will be moments when I question if he is happy or obligated to stay with me.  There will be moments I am extremely let down.  I can always be completely wrong about us.  If I am then I am.  I don't have to worry about that unless it happens.  Those times I need to stay in the now and remember the good days.

The Weeks Go By

I have several things that keep circling like a vulture in the sky around in my head.  These things pop up and circle, but never quite land and go away.

 -  Brian's Infidelity with Jackie - Was it strictly sex or was there an emotional connection.  Was he planning on leaving?  Now that a year has gone by, he still does not say much, I am still standing outside the window wondering if he is disappointed and longing for something else, or is he content and happy he stayed.  I wish I could feel his commitment in my bones like I used to.

-  My weight gain and my ageing - I need to find a way to loose weight and I need to find a way to better accept the aging process.  I wish my self esteem was better.  I wish I felt optimistic.

-  My Job - How did I end up with such a shit situation with such poor pay.  I used to have the energy and desire, the drive to grow and improve.  I have felt so jilted in my job that I no longer have that drive either.  Again, the pessimism lives within me here.

The vultures need to land, get their food and leave sometime don't they?  God, I wish they would go away.  The swirling is exhausting.

06/30/17

Days Like This

Days like this are more and more frequent.  Standard days that are filled with the mundane routine of life.  Level days with no highs and no lows.  While I appreciate these days, I am cautious about them. They are the dull drums of life that cause the need for excitement and curiosity.

I have those desires for adventure in my head when I have to many standard days.  I fear that I am not living my life, but simply existing to do the chores of existence.  I then think, he must feel the same way.  Much like a caged animal, the same thing over and over again.

Yet, I don't get bored of him.  I love him, I hate him, I adore him, I despise him.  He makes me joyful, he pisses me of,  He is so much fun, he is annoying as hell.  This is why I don't get bored of him.  He evokes a full range of feelings for me, just by being him.  I accept that range of feelings.  I appreciate that I have them.  The good and the bad.

Days like this, I need to appreciate them more too.  Maybe someday I won't fear them.  I can just let them be.  Calm, boring, standard, level,  because I know some highs are to high and some lows you simply can may not climb out of.  I barely climbed out of the last one.  I don't think I have it in me to do it again.

Trust in now.  I have to learn how to do that when nothing is going on, much like days like this.